Author Topic: Blue Moon Trail 3  (Read 3182 times)

EverJack

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Blue Moon Trail 3
« on: January 31, 2014, 03:45:40 PM »
As I stated before, I'm not sure what chapter this is, so 2 segments ago, I just started naming them from 1.

*****

The operator snickered as Mark frowned, lowered his glance to the floor, and stuck his hands in his front pants pockets.

"Are you ready for your call, sir?"

Mark looked up and smiled.  "Yes ma'am.  I guess I am.

Mary Ann poked her nose to the window and shaded her eyes with her hands as Mark waited for the operator to make the call.  She sighed as she thought of Mark; then she thought of his young age.  She cursed at the thought, and stamped her foot.

"Ma?  Is that you?"

'In six or seven years, he would be a man.  He would be tall, strong, and handsome,...... and he would be a good man, a fine man, who would be a great father.' 

Then she looked down at the wooden sidewalk and shuffled her feet.  'But I'd be over twenty, an older woman that he'd never want.  I'd be an old crone 'round all the younger folk.'

"Hey ma?! Yeah! It's me! How are ya?!  How is Em?!"

'He'd feel more like I was his aunty than his girlfriend.  He'd think I was an old lady.'

"He's where?  Pa's where?"  Mark rubbed his finger across the top of the desk.

'He couldn't show me off in public.  I'd be too old.'

Mark never noticed Mary Ann, or the tear from her eye as he laughed during his conversation with his mother.  "Yeah, Ma.  Brownie's still with me.  He's havin' a high old time barkin' at ever'thin' from butterflies to dung beetles."

Suddenly, his voice and expression changed.  "I miss you, ma, and I love you.  I love little Em too.  We'll all be back together soon.  I'll find pa, and this damn depression will be all over, and we'll be back together.  I promise.

As Mark hung up the phone, Mary Ann turned toward the street and sniffed, wiped her nose, and put on a fake smile.

EL


(Cont)


Ian H

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2014, 03:55:01 PM »
Ed
Have you changed the POV in this? Still you got the dialoque spot on.

Ian

Jim

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2014, 06:00:08 AM »
I got confused a bit here as to who was speaking -or is someone thinking?

EverJack

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2014, 11:07:47 AM »
You're right, Ian.  I slipped on the POV.   :P

Mary Ann was thinking, Jim.  I thought it was evident, but I guess I was wrong.

Ed

Ian H

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2014, 11:20:18 AM »
Ed
It was the slip in POV that confused Jim. It did for me for a while till I realised you had awitch to Mary anns POV.

Ian

Amanda

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2014, 12:37:33 PM »
Okay, well now I have to go back and read the beginnings. This always happens to me. I go away, for too long, come back and have to get caught up all over again.

I think the POV is an easy fix, Ed. Just slip in a Mary Ann thought.

'In six or seven years,' Mary Ann thought, "he would be a man.  He would be tall, strong, and handsome,...... and he would be a good man, a fine man, who would be a great father.' 

Then she looked down at the wooden sidewalk and shuffled her feet.  'But I'd be over twenty, an older woman that he'd never want.  I'd be an old crone 'round all the younger folk.'

I liked this, but I really will have to go back and check out the history of these characters. Interested in their story.
Cheers,
Amanda
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Author of A Bother of Bodies, a Maybe Mystery

EverJack

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2014, 11:42:50 AM »
I'd love for you to, Amanda, but I'm afraid that I'll have to send parts of it to you through the site's messages or email.  Our site went down a few months ago, and we lost much of our past posts.  :(

I'd be happy to do this for you if you'd like.

Ed

EverJack

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2014, 11:44:18 AM »
Thank you for reading, and for the good advice, by the way, Amanda.   :)

Ed

Amanda

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2014, 03:26:37 AM »
I'd really like to read it, Ed, if you don't mind sending it.
Cheers,
Amanda
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EverJack

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2014, 10:42:24 AM »
I don't mind at all, Amanda.  I sent you the first two segments.  I hope you get them.  Remember that this is a book, not a short story.  ;)

Ed

Duke

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2014, 07:32:16 AM »
I don't know if it's POV, the fact that I have never seen any of this before, or the fact that just maybe I'm confused....But I couldn't tell what was going on without concentrating heavily.  That's not something I personally want to do when reading a fictional work. In fiction the dialog, descriptive, and mental journey should flow smoothly with out need ofr the reader poking their head in and saying "What happened?" or "Who said that?"

Duke

Ian H

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2014, 09:23:41 AM »
Duke how would you fix this part? This site works because we help each other.

Ian

EverJack

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2014, 10:26:55 AM »
I thought Amanda had good ideas.  The POV in the book should be Mark's, but I slip up on occasion.  Not telling the reader that Mary Ann was thinking to herself during Mark's chat with his mother was a mistake, Duke.  Now that I read the comments, it was a big one......

As Ian has stated, that's what this site is about, and always has been.  It's a workshop, and we are here to help each other.  I thank all of you for your valued advice.   :)

Ed

Duke

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2014, 11:24:35 AM »
In this, to me anyway, I found a couple of things to remove. All those pesky little ' single quote marks. I know you were using them to show the Mary Ann was thinking here, but they really aren't necessary and cause far more confusion than they are worth.  Ray Bradbury told me; "You will see people reading along, if there is no quote mark they know it is either the narrator speaking of the other person thinking. It may be also connected to the main character, Mark in this case, as his thoughts so you have to add Mary Ann's ID once in a while. Not nearly in every sentence. Just now and then. Then I don't know what format you are using, but all those blank lines between speeches will come back to bite you on the butt. I don't even remember what this editor told me about all of those blank lines other than "GET RID OF THEM!!!" in bright red across the first page of a manuscript. I didn't mind him rejecting it when he was also giving me a free critique.   




      The operator snickered as Mark frowned, lowered his glance to the floor, and stuck his hands in his front pants pockets. "Are you ready for your call, sir?"
      Mark looked up and smiled.  "Yes ma'am.  I guess I am. Mary Ann poked her nose to the window and shaded her eyes with her hands as Mark waited for the operator to make the call.  She sighed as she thought of Mark; then she thought of his young age.  She cursed at the thought, and stamped her foot.
     "Ma?  Is that you?" In six or seven years, he would be a man.  He would be tall, strong, and handsome, and he would be a good man, a fine man, who would be a great father. Then she looked down at the wooden sidewalk and shuffled her feet.  But I'd be over twenty, an older woman that he'd never want.  I'd be an old crone 'round all the younger folk, thought Mary Ann as she recognized an approaching problem.
     "Hey ma?! Yeah! It's me! How are ya?!  How is Em?!" He'd feel more like I was his aunty than his girlfriend.  He'd think I was an old lady, she added silently.
     "He's where?  Pa's where?"  Mark rubbed his finger across the top of the desk. She watched him fiddle with something on the desk top. He couldn't show me off in public. I'd be too old. Mark never noticed Mary Ann, or the tear from her eye as he laughed during his conversation with his mother.  "Yeah, Ma.  Brownie's still with me.  He's havin' a high old time barkin' at ever'thin' from butterflies to dung beetles." Suddenly, his voice and expression changed.  "I miss you, ma, and I love you.  I love little Em too.  We'll all be back together soon.  I'll find pa, and this damn depression will be all over, and we'll be back together.  I promise."  As Mark hung up the phone, Mary Ann turned toward the street and sniffed, wiped her nose, and put on a fake smile. This was her battle to win. She has a chance, slim, but a chance.


For me, this works, but not as well as I would like it too,  I'm a little finicky when it comes to dialog vs. narrator vs. third party brain waves all in the same scene.  I normally would split this into two separate scenes. One with Mark and the operator and drag it out a little. Then say, have Mark and Mary Ann go get a coffee or a coke as this sounds more like them, and have her run through this while they carry on some innocent conversation.

Duke

Ian H

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Re: Blue Moon Trail 3
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2014, 12:57:07 PM »
Duke
I agree with you that is better.

Double spacing is standard for Australian manuscripts but also they pay a more important part here. I'm legally blind and without the spaces the words become a black mass in front of my eyes.

Ian