Ians Lessons 1.

[nightduty]

Ians Lessons 1. Be warned it is a touchy subject and used as an example.

Ian if you have to move this do so...

Raw:
From a distance Vanessa observed the argument. She saw the husband, slap the wife to the bed, then watched as he flipped her over, ripping away her clothing. She just stood there watching. The woman just lay there, letting it happen.

Edited:
Moonlight lit the street, as Vanessa walked past the open window. Raised voices caught her ears, she stopped. Momentarily, a red haired woman, held the man back with her open hands on his chest. The slap, it sounded like a thunder clap.

Vanessa’s jaw dropped as she watched the woman’s head snap back and her hands drop off the mans chest. In slow motion, she watched, riveted. As the man picked the red head up; throwing her on the bed, flipping her onto her stomach and ripping away her underwear.

‘Oh Mother. He’s raping her.’ Vanessa’s mind screamed, but she could not move, just as the woman lay quietly, letting it happen.


So how'd I go?

[Ozzie Ian]

Fi
This was a very good example of how to use the excersizes. Well done
Ian

[Sam]

This really made me shiver, I think you did really well.

[NISCI]

I really liked this Fi. This is a great example of how to improve writing from draft to edited version.

Thanks for sharing this.

David

[robocat]

You "showed" the lesson very well, Fi.  You put lots of tension and atmospher in the second version.
Cathleen