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nightduty
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« on: October 20, 2007, 03:14:43 PM » |
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Ians Lessons 3
Incredibly difficult to write a plain sentence. But I do suggest we give it a shot, even those of us who have published works. Learning is a ongoing process and Ian has been in the field for such a long time that I am sure, we can all learn a little something more along the way.
My difficulty stems from report writing where we are only allowed to tell and not show. How good would it be to show in a report? But the length of it would kill the boss's and authorities, plus it would be clouded with personal POV's. So I personally need to be poked and prodded on many occasions to stop telling in my writing for pleasure.
Raw: 1.
Three faery’s flew into the air in formation.
Edited:
Staggering from the blows inflicted, the three faery’s jumped into the air. Their wings beat frantically, no dust flew. It was soaked in their families and friends blood. Wood elves rushed, grabbing for their ankles. None were to survive, they were told.
Other wood elves launched themselves from higher branches, knowing it was a leap of death, not only for themselves, but the faery’s in flight; if they managed to grapple one or two on the plummet to the earth.
Raw: 2.
Students lead the way through the school.
Edited:
Smoke wafted through the open window. The teacher froze as she saw the whirl wind of flame heading towards her classroom. Quick thinking students, gather the class together, pushing the frightened teacher and smaller children into the middle of the group.
Calmly four of the older children arranged the group, performed a head count and made sure, that their voices and manners did not convey the rapid beat of their hearts.
Two students lead the class out into the emergency evacuation area. While the other two moved between the group, talking softly and reassuring them all they would be safe.
Raw: 3
Jaedin and Katri fell to the grass.
Edited:
Running down the dew dipped hill, Jaedin and Katri, slipped. Skidding the last hundred meters. Their laughter sang out across the meadows, cows briefly looked up and then settled back into their chewing. Insects, scattered as two sets of knees, slammed into the dirt, leaving indentations and killing a few bugs.
Raw: 4
The scribe sat at the desk. Staring blankly at the parchment.
Edited:
Charisma inkblotter ran her ink stained fingers through her hair. Ink smeared strands dangled in her eyes, tapping her finger nails; she stared out the window, then back at the page. Her chair creaked with each small movement; soft splitters embed themselves in her arms. Charisma knew she was suffering, badly with writers block.
I know these are not exactly what Ian was asking for, but they are in my humble opinion close.
So how'd I go?
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Charm me and I'll charm you.
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EverJack
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« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2007, 04:33:01 PM » |
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Great examples of showing, Fi.
Jack
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Ozzie Ian
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« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2007, 07:14:58 AM » |
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Fi
Your expansions were very good showing. It is hard to change from report righting to creative but you did it well.
Ian
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jim
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2007, 11:45:40 PM » |
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Fi...well done lady. I loved the fairy one....
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PLAY THE CARDS LIFE DEALS YOU AND BLUFF WHEN YOU NEED TO!
JAMES P.
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Chris
Member.
Family mentor
Posts: 168
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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2007, 11:53:47 PM » |
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Very nice bit of creative extrapolation.
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C
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Chris
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nightduty
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« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2007, 12:34:06 AM » |
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Ty all. It was hard writing the plain sentence, seriously hard. You know what I was told today, I'm too descriptive. I can't win!  Jim, knew you'd love the fae one. Its a part of the tale I'm working on. If ever I finish it.  |
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Charm me and I'll charm you.
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Chris
Member.
Family mentor
Posts: 168
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« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2007, 01:21:42 AM » |
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I hate to say it but I am one for less is more... Sorry.
I do like what you wrote but some would call it "flowery"... Not me, mind you :-)
When you read my work, you'll see that I write pretty direct and not very flowery. I do believe that it has a lot to do with ones style though...
I am not sure if this helps or hurts, one thing is for sure, you can't make everyone one happy, so just start with yourself .... I just write how I do and keep hitting the keys...
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C
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Chris
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Ozzie Ian
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« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2007, 01:51:44 AM » |
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Chris word economy is important but this was the reason behind this exercise. If you had read a letter from my brother you would understand He wrote I went to Paris today, I couldn't understand a word they said. For lunch I had a big Mac at Mc Donald's. Write to you from Belgium. I know it is amusing but how boring?
The object of the lesson was to get people out of my brothers habits.
Ian
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Chris
Member.
Family mentor
Posts: 168
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« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2007, 05:05:37 AM » |
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Wow, that is terrible and I agree a bit more in the case of your brother would have been better.
:-)
Good exercise.
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Chris
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NISCI
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« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2007, 06:26:36 AM » |
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Fi, I really liked how you showed these. Showing is something I am still working on and I can take a lot from these examples.
Thanks.
David.
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robocat
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« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2007, 11:20:57 AM » |
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I'd say you got the lessons down, Fi!
As always when practicing one thing, we tend to overdo it when focused on it, but once the lessons become second nature, I find they tone down and fit just right.
Fi is very, very descriptive in her writing.
I used to be more so myself but am trying to cut down description to just enough to create the scene and setting and mood. I'm working on flow!
But everyone's style is different from everyone else. I hope, anyways! It would be boring if we all wrote the same way.
Cathleen
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