Letter to Santa

[TigerSpirit]

LETTER TO SANTA

Mr Santa Clause so fine
P.O. Box Nine Nine Nine Nine
Way up in that Pole most North
May this letter make it forth

Have you been checking your valued list?
Of good and bad.. you get the gist!
You'll see my name amongst the good
Not like that horrid old Mr Wood

His heart failure was not my fault
If he hadn't tried my fence to vault
He shouldn't have peeked through my window
He wouldn't have seen my boobs so low

On very hot days I live in the raw
To stop my skin from getting sore
Which brings me to my first request
May I have cream for beneath my breast?

I'd also like some bottles of rum
A couple for me and a couple for mum
A few thousand dollars to get me through
Another year, till again I see you

Honest Santa, my behavior's at a peak
Even though being good has made me quite weak
To stave my temper I held my breath
Till my dizziness was at quite a depth

Not like my Great Aunt Joan
Who lost her temper and her home
When she hit the mailman in the back
Her sharp kitchen knife tore right through his sack

He shouldn't have given her that massive bill
But now I think of it, it wasn't his will
He delivers letters through sleet and snow
But now Great Aunt Joan has nowhere to go

But I hear she's actually keeping in line
Now that she's doing plenty of time
Her cell-mate tells me she's doing fine
And she's happy she's only doing nine

I've been so giving with money this year
Paying the tax man with little fear
Unlike John selling his home brew
He tried to keep it secret, no-one knew

But then he was his own best buyer
Now he can't afford the lawyer
To get him out of his tight fix
Now he's hiding out in the sticks.

I'd also like a four bedroom house
To keep my new tiny pet mouse
Along with the twenty cats and dogs
Five horses, three cows, chickens and hogs

Did I also mention a large lot of land?
And a man to give me a helping hand?
I can manage the weeds and the cooking too
And he could help harvest all the year through.

One more thing Santa, of you I ask?
Please keep my secrets as a simple task?
If others knew of my family and their criminal past
Don't think through the next year I'd last

So of my closeted skeletons, please keep mum
Or I'm afraid I'll have to hire someone
To go all the way to the North Pole
And of your reindeers, I'll round up the whole

I'll tie up your elves and keep all the toys
None will go out to the girls or the boys
But if you keep “mum” about what I've said
Rest assured, I promise, I won't have your head

© - Carol Nemes

[Ozzie Ian]

Carol
Congratulations on a very humorous poem. I enjoyed it.

Ian

[fstasu]

This was a very fun story poem.

Bobbi

[EverJack]

This was a very fun read, Carol.  It deserved the win.   

Jack

[TigerSpirit]

Thanks much guys.  It was all made up by the way, none of it is true.. thought I better mention that.

[nightduty]

Santa's reply:

Dear Ms TigerSpirit

P.O. Box Down Under
In the warmth of the sun
May this reply make you gush

Yes I did check my valued list.
But ya know what! It seemed to have a tea stain on it.
So as to your being good or bad I have no clue
But I'll take your words for true.
Oh yes I see that Horrid My Wood
he's in your neighborhood. He peeked in the window
as any strapping aussie male would.
Tis not your fault that gravity
has taken its toll. Just look at me wife and you'll know.

I only wish Mrs Claus would live in the raw,
but if she did her skin would be blue.
As to your request for some cream for under your breast.
Hmm I'll supply it if I can apply it.
Just don't let the Missus know.

Bottles of rum, now they sound good.
But don't they warm and you sound like you need
cooling. So how about a little frolick in the snow, I'll supply
the rum if ya let me pinch ya bum.

Your at your peak woman
and that alone makes this old santa go weak,
Don't hold your breath, or starve the temper,
your an aussie do remember.
Quick of wit and with a flaying tongue.

Oh I hear you on the snail mail
the loss of letters and parcels.
I tried to lessen my load
but it seems its as the wife said
"Get your fat ass out of bed and do the work its only once a year."

So now I have to rush
I'd love to give you a house
but sadly the only ones the elves can make
will not be good enough for yourself.
Plus they are way too small for your pets.

Not to worry my sweet Tiger
I'll keep a secret and I'll show you on the night,
if you'll just leave the window ajar
and I sneak in and we'll play
Can you keep a secret?


Ok carol I went mad...I'll be watching over my shoulder. But thanks for the great poem and the inspiration.

[jim]

Congrats.....good shot lady!

[TigerSpirit]

Oh Fi!  I absolutely loved that, thanks so much for the reply, it's a total crack up!!!   

Thanks much Jim 

[EverJack]

ROFL, Fi!   

Jack

[robocat]

Nicely done!  You have a real talent for poetic expression!
Cathleen

[TigerSpirit]

Which one Cathleen, me or Fi 

If me, thanks much, Fi has a great talent for replying to poems. 

[nightduty]

Chuckles....I do it to everyone at some time or other.....LOL....its fun, plus it shows in my opinion that I enjoyed the poem way too much! 

[Shirley]

I'm laughing over both poems.  I admit I had read Tiger's during the competition but not Fi's.  Talented ladies both.

Fun reads.  I smiled all the way though.

--Shirley