Geoffrey's Pact

[EverJack]

Geoffrey was sweating blood. He had been tricked.

*********


A month earlier, the struggling inventor was cursing, and kicking an overflowing wastebasket across the room of his small workshop.

"Ninety six patents, and none of them worth a story even in the local paper!" He kicked his workdesk as hard as he could, winced, and scowled. 

With one huge sweep of his hand, he emptied the top of his desk of paper, books, and pencils.

"I've been inventing things for seventeen years, and the best I could do was the 'new, and improved Watson Tea Caddy'! What the hell do Americans need a new tea caddy for!? Most of them drink coffee!"

He slumped into a chair and rested his face in the palms of his hands. He felt dejected, and as forlorn as ever in the fifty four years of his life.

"Hello, Mr. Watson."

"Startled, Geoffrey looked up. Standing before him was a man who was grinning from ear to ear. He was all of five and a half feet tall, wore a red bowtie, and thick glasses.

His smile suddenly enraged Geoffrey. He jumped up from his chair and stood stiffly with his fists clenched at his sides.

"What the hell are you doing in here, and why are you smiling?!"

The grin eased a little, but not completely. "Calm down, Mr. Watson. I just felt that you needed some help."

Geoffrey stalked around his desk and stood looking down at the stranger. He was at least six inches taller, but the man kept smiling as he looked up.

"You want the notoriety that you crave and deserve, Mr. Watson. You want to invent something that will put you in the history books. I think that maybe I can help you."

Geoffrey calmed down a little. "What kind of damned idea could you give me that hasn't already been thought of, and what good would it do me, anyway?! It would still be your damned invention!"

The small man turned, and slowly walked along the floor in back of the desk. One extended finger was sliding along the top of it as he spoke in a casual way.

"What if I gave you the plans for an invention?....... What if I gave you the plans for something so new, and so welcome that your name will never be forgotten?"


(cont)

[Tony]

Jack
A curious little opening to a story, and thus a reader hooked sir!

I am trying to get my head around Caths advice to me on one of my pieces re passives and adverb use etc and as a result I had some difficulty with this sentence:

"Startled, Geoffrey looked up. Standing before him was a man who was grinning from ear to ear. He was all of five-five tall, wore a red bowtie, and thick glasses. "

I think there may be two too many "was" words in this sentence and I would suggest a little tweek here.  In an attempt to highlight the passive point and I might have this completely wrong so please forgive me;
standing before him WAS a man....So what is the man doing now? 
He WAS grinning from ear to ear...So is he now no longer grinning?. 
He WAS all of five five tall.  Is he now taller or shorter?

I look forward to the next segment, tis about time I offered critique on your work sir!

Tony...

[jim]

Laughing...given the name and the way this is starting, I see the "devil hisself" (As my grandmother used to say) is doing his thing. 

This is a personal critique so please take it that way.  "Sweating blood" is so common a term these days.  I know you are more creative than that.  The rest of the story is well shown.

One of the seminars I went to talked about "people talking to themseves as a form of dialogue."  You have done that here.  Seems most people don't do that in reality.  They talk to themselves in thier head.  However, they do talk to their pets.  Throw in a sleeping cat or dog that he yells at.  Think of the comedy in that as the animal scratches itself etc.  You could really show his frustrations with that.

One of your strong points is presenting a problem  (mystery) and unraveling it in stages.  I see this is going to be one of those. 

I look forward to what comes next!

A thought just sped thru my mind, what if the devil posed as a literary agent?  Or better still a publisher...I'm sure he would get a few souls.  I'm meeting people that would sell their first born to get published.  Have you ever been to a writer's conference?  It is amazing to watch.

 

 

[cayenne]

 
I can get cranky out loud when nobody else is around. Particularly if I see a news story where a politician is being a politician and I wish I coudl tell the world to watch out.

Jack I didn't see a great problem with his little tirade, but if you feel it needs something, just make that local paper a bit more visible as the object of his anger. After he's swept the table clear, he might even slam the paper down and 'read' the front page news where his invention of a  tea caddy gets a mention.

I very much like your XXXesque setting up of your story. When you see that technique you know you're in for a ride. A good story.

Sweating blood - well there are a lot of ways you could turn that to complete advantage when we get the turnaroud to the present again. I wait with interest to see what you do with it.

Kerrie

[fstasu]

Jack,

This is a good start to an intriguing story, you have me hooked. But, (you knew this was coming) this one sentence, "Standing before him was a man who was grinning from ear to ear. He was all of five-five tall, wore a red bowtie, and thick glasses." , Kerrie covered the too many was', but the five-five tall left me stalled. Most readers prefer, and this in only my humble opinion, to see that as 5' 5" tall, it's just an easier way to grasp that picture.

I hope my critique doesn't offend you, it's just my opinion. I love your story and the showing is wonderful. Looking forward to more.

Bobbi

[EverJack]

Thanks, my friends.

This is what a good writing forum is all about..... the members helping each other to better their work.

You've all given me good advice, and on re-reading my piece, I agree with each of you.   

Jack

[robocat]

For some reason I thought that I had read this piece before, and then decided I didn't.

I think it's a fine start.  There is tension right at the outset and good pictures.

I gave a sad smile when I read Jim's comment.  I went to one week-long Writers Workshop at Wesleyan University and that's one overwhelming impression I got:  The hungry, desperate look on most of the participants dying to get their work published.  It felt so sad.
It didn't feel like people were there to improve their writing.
Cathleen

[jim]

Sadly, I must agree with Cathleen.  I've been to a dozen or more conferences and they reminded me of rats in a sewer looking for one piece of cheese.  The seminars that were designed to help a writer improve were poorly attended.  While the editor, publishers, and agent panels were standing room only. 

There was one at Smith College that was a fantasy workshop run by a well published author and I was the only one there.  I was in my glory for over two hours.  It was one on one training.  Great!

[EverJack]

Thanks, Cathleen.  Yes..... It's a re-post.

Jack

[Ozzie Ian]

Jack
I think it is a good idea to start a story with an attention getter. I have read the story before but this time it feels smoother.

Ian

[EverJack]

Thanks, mate.  It's good to have you with us again......

Jack