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Messages - Ian H

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The everything board / Re: Ian?
« on: September 29, 2014, 12:16:36 PM »

I have been laid up all week. A small set back


The everything board / Re: From tanks to toys 1/2/1 Santa
« on: September 22, 2014, 07:14:20 PM »
I have sat behind the wheel of the grey ghost. It was a religious experience. As I sat there I wondered where Jack kept his gelignite.


The everything board / Crocodile tears 27
« on: September 22, 2014, 05:05:47 PM »
It was dark as Andrews got back to his hotel, he scrubbed of the musty swamp smell. Put on fresh clothes. Then tapped on Jean's door not knowing that in doing so he was changing his life forever.

In the streets the tourists coloured clothes reflected the light from the full moon like butterflies in the jungle couples walked hand in hand giggling like teens. It was only when you got closer you realised that they were retireies.

Jean and the detective and joined hands their eyes as starry as the tropical sky was.

They idled meaningless. Until Jean stopped dead in front of a poster in front of the fair grounds. As she read the lights in the grounds were on, workmen scuttled about like demented ants. Hammering and crashing assaulted the ears. Jean read on her eyes bright.

Andrews joined her to see what she was reading. She smiled. “Didn't you say you wanted to be a screen writer?”

The Detective nodded. Her face sagged sad. “Pity this is on Sunday. If we had more time you could write a script for us. I feel we would make a good team.”

Andrews put his arm around her. “Maybe it isn't too late. I have a sketch that might be adapted for us. It is fairly simple. We could learn it in a day and if we do make a mistake on stage only you and I know it.”

Jean leant and kissed his forehead as he reached for his cell. “Whatcha doing?”

“Ringing my flat mate in Brisbane getting him to put my Constable Klutz uniform on the first plane tomorrow.”

Jean giggled. “Klutz what a  wonderful name. Come on. We'll find someone and sign up for Sundays talent show as 'The Klutzs.”

The wandered pressing against each other under the sign 'Christmas in July.' until they found someone to sign them up.

It only took moments to sign up then they wandered down the hill towards the river.

They stood on the wooden planks of the wharf listen to the gentle slap of the water against the piles. There seemed to be two moons one casting cupids arrows in the sky the other floating gentle on the waters of the river.

All along the front of the wharf anglers shouldered their way to get their lines in the water. The mullet were jumping trying to reach the moon. One enterprising boy was swooping around with a fish landing net. Every now and then he would dive it across the water.

Nearly every scoop revealed a writhing shiny silver fish.

Excited shouts went up now and then excited shouts went up as someone hooked a much desired sat water Barramundi.

With the warmth of Jean on his shoulder it was a perfect night.

Just as well for the gates of hell was to open first thing in the morning.

The everything board / From tanks to toys 1/2/1 Santa
« on: September 22, 2014, 01:27:37 PM »
Santa entered his office rubbing his back with one hand and his brow with the other. He poured a glass of soda and broke two paracetamol tablets out. He groaned maybe he was getting to old for this game. It was only February and he had six weeks recuperation from what each year was becoming a more and more hectic Christmas eve.
He looked at the trays on his desk. The solved tray was empty. The problem one was almost stacked to the roof. The more urgent tray was a quarter the size and again the most URGENT tray was just a few.

He picked up the top most urgent one and began reading when the wizen head Elf knocked. Santa sighed. “What is it?”

“You know the new chamber we are blasting, the biggest yet?”

Santa nodded. “Every year there are more children, more and more children.”

The Elf nodded. “Orica has sent three times the dynamite we asked for and wont take the rest back.”

“Oh well, we might find a use for it down the track.”

The Elf shook his head. “You don't understand. The older dynamite gets the more dangerous it gets. The clay in it begins sweating out the nitroglycerin and Orica gave this to us because it is near its' use by date.”

Just then a loud bang shook Santa's office. Santa started “What the hell?”

The elf went greener. “It's those darn Rushies. They are drilling the North Pole for oil. I thought the UN put an embargo on drilling here.”

Santa shrugged. “You know the UN. First any proposal must go to a committee to decide if it is in the UN's purvey. If it is then it's assessed it is, along to the trivia committee  and so on. Sometimes the proponent is dead before his proposal gets to the main meeting of the UN. The North Pole proposal was presented in 1961 give it time.

The elf kept looking at his watch. Santa smiled. “Going somewhere?”

The Elf nodded. “Last year all the think ice melted rather than breaking up. The polar bears had no where to fish. This year all the ice around the pole is to thick to break up. We are going to help the starving bears.”

Santa nodded. “Good idea take some dynamite you might find it handy.”

It was nearly midday, that at the north pole is the 24 June the pole only having one day a year, when Santa decided on getting his annual dose of vitamin D.

It might have been day at the north pole but it was night in Australia he watched as a relay of slays driven by elves unloaded the donation from Australia.

He picked up a piece and examined it. Turning it round and round he would swear it was high quality coal. But he knew it had been donated because it was full of sulphur and useless for anything but putting in the stockings of naughty boys and girls. He examined the pile. About a thousand year supply he guessed.

It was then he was made aware of a truly terrible crisis.


The everything board / A thought
« on: September 20, 2014, 08:51:13 PM »
Today the Prime Minister of England must have made a worlds record promise. Less than 24 hours after he made a promise to the Scottish people he broke it.

This got me thinking. If you jailed every pollition who lied you would end up with full jails and empty houses of Parliament.


The everything board / Re: Who gives way
« on: September 16, 2014, 07:12:10 AM »
Yesterday just north of the Alice.


The everything board / Who gives way
« on: September 15, 2014, 06:01:27 PM »
A call over the police radio goes out. A violent fight was in progress.

Off they went foot down, sirens and lights blaring as they approached the fork where two roads became one.

Off they went foot down, sirens and lights blaring as they approached the fork where two roads became one.

They reached the fork kaboom. Two police cars written off.

The everything board / From tanks to toys 1/1/2
« on: September 15, 2014, 12:41:51 PM »
Putin sat back. “Maybe you should put me in the picture from the start.”

The Secretary for Peace stood up. “The war was very necessary. We found the oil. It is ours. The evil kingdoms of United Europe and America joined forces to deprive us of it.”

The people around the table responded with a round of “Here. Here.”

The man went on. “As the land was unclaimed we were going to build a fortress town over the oil then claim the land in the name of Mother Russia. To stop the EU and USA from stopping us we sent in an armed battalion to protect the engineers.”

Putin scowled so those stinking capitalists are behind all this?”

The minister for peace shrugged. “Who knows? How do you fight a war against an enemy you never see?”

A voice came from the end of the table. “Have they invented the cloak of invisibility?”

Putin purpled. “ Nonsense. Trash like that comes from those decadent books the west is fond of. Harry potter is a good example.”

The man in charge of war shook his head. “Maybe it is magic. To many weird thing seem to happen.”

Again the voice from the end of the table cut in. “Ghosts?”

Putin's shout could be heard in Heaven. “No such thing.”

The war minister looked stern. “I agree. But by putting all the injured in hospital all over Russia the rumours from them are we are fighting ghosts and the unintelligent are becoming to believe them.”

Another man picked up a list from in front of him. “Amazing. 8 thousand injured needing hospital but no recorded deaths. What sort of war is this? How man injured or dead do you estimate for the opponents?”

The war ministered blushed. “None. We have never sighted the aggressors. ”

The room was silent for a moment. Putin's eyes burnt fire down the table. “Have the great brains in Intelligence worked out where our trucks and tanks disappeared too?”

The war lord shrugged. “All they say is they were there disabled one day and gone the next.”

Putin slammed the table. “How can a whole division of tanks disappear over night


The everything board / Re: From tanks to toys 1/1/1
« on: September 12, 2014, 09:06:50 PM »

I will finish this but no matter how good or bad it is I fear it is destined for the reject bin. You can't afford to turn the reader off with the opening. It was meant as a black satire with the ultimate evil Vs the ultimate good.

The western Icons play an important part in the story .

You caught the point.


The everything board / From tanks to toys 1/1/1
« on: September 11, 2014, 10:07:40 AM »
 At the end of the old oak medieval table so long you needed roller skates to get from end sat Putin. He rubbed his hand along his thin hair feel the horns that were invisible to mankind. His long army boots his the fact his cloven hooves were tapping on the floor.

The ceiling hung 27 ft supported on massive oak beams topped the room that housed the Russian High Command. The table was lined by hard primitive chairs aimed to torture. The only comfortable seat housed Putin's tail.
The rest of the high command straggled in. All were big bearlike men with small heads. Their uniforms were plain grey chests but their broad chests rattled with medals.

Big they might be but today the seemed like lambs in the slaughter yard. Slowly almost reluctantly they made their way to their assigned seats.

They placed their folders on the table and sat back. They sat and sat. Silence froze the hall.

Putin's eyes burnt with the fires of hell. He sent a blast of brimstone down the table. “What are your reports. We'll have causalities first.

One of the men picked up his folios. His lips began moving but nothing came out. He tried again but only a squeak was heard.

The table rocked under Putin's fist. “Give the man a drink of water and if that doesn't work pour vodka down his throat.

As if inspired Putin picked up a bottle and poured a decent dose of white fire down his throat.

The man gulped down the water then coughed. “A-A-eight  t-t-thousand wounded or injured.”

Suddenly a light came on in his eyes, he stood straight. “What idiot ordered them to be dispersed to hospital all over mighty Russia. Where they could spread their hallucinations they were fighting ghost. It isn't good for moral.”

Another man spoke. “Who would be stupid enough to believe their tales of Duracell bunnies, musket carrying Red Coats. Thomas the tank engine and constructor sets.”

Yet another man spoke. “Any man stupid enough to join the Russian Army is that stupid he would believe anything.'

A chorus of Amens went up.

Putin frowned. “Durracel bunnies? Redcoats? Thomas the tank engine. I know all about constructor sets. A western invention designed to drive children mad. I was given one as a child. The bridges I built wobbled and fell over, the skyscrapers I made crumbled to the ground when a door was banged. The only thing I managed to make was a torture wrack.”

One of the man grinned. “Very handy that for the future head of the KBG.”

The original man stood up. “you have seen the TV adv. Where the toy rabbit keeps on and on?”

Putin nodded. “Western propaganda implying they do things better than us.”

The man nodded. “the rabbit is called the durracell bunny in many countries. Thomas the tank Engine is a BBC cartoon ans small models of him are very popular toys. We have no idea were the Red coats fit the picture.”

Putin sat back. “Maybe you should put me in the picture from the start.


The everything board / Re: Catching the Critter (Revised): 8 and conclusion
« on: September 09, 2014, 08:20:33 AM »

I can never judge my own work. That is why I need others to guide me.


The everything board / Re: The Hole 7
« on: September 09, 2014, 07:33:37 AM »
Very much fun. People not only children down to a T. Is pully short for pullet?


The everything board / Re: Catching the Critter (Revised): 8 and conclusion
« on: September 07, 2014, 07:43:39 AM »
Cathleen very good ending of what is now a polished story. Your revision is very professional. creating a simple but enjoyable story.


The everything board / Re: Catching the Critter (Revised): 7
« on: September 06, 2014, 12:30:40 PM »

Excitement along with a chartable explanation. Good writing.


The everything board / Re: Catching the Critter (Revised): 5
« on: September 06, 2014, 12:24:01 PM »
Sorry about the error I'm still about 40% of me.


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